Arc 10 - Interlude - "――Why?"

――When I found an unopened flower bud in that garden, I stopped in my tracks without thinking.

It was a garden where flowers of every color bloomed in profusion.

Unfortunately, I'm not well-versed in either the names or the kinds of flowers, but I had heard that they were precious blossoms, their seeds gathered from all over the country, sprouting and opening their buds.

It was such a large, showy flower garden. The gardener entrusted with its care must have had ample chance to show their skill. The garden’s finish was proof of that.

To be honest, when I first went to the garden, I didn't have much expectation for that colorful place.

I lack the sensibility to admire flowers to begin with, and I'd never taken much interest even in the garden at my family home. Indulged by my understanding father, I was allowed into this place—the Royal Castle of the Capital Lugunica—but I don’t rate myself so highly as to think I could join the discussions of the responsible adults.

So, with nothing else to do, I went to the garden to kill time until my father and the others finished their business, and unexpectedly found myself captivated by that bud.

「――――」

At the end of my amber gaze was a large bud, its head bowed.

I suppose I was drawn to it—the petals faintly tinged with red were closed, the flower not yet in bloom—because I likened that bud to myself, still immature and carrying a frustration with nowhere to go. That thought is a little poetic; perhaps I'm too taken with myself.

Still, amid the flowers flaunting great blooms as if already certain of their charms through and through, it was true that I felt a kinship with the bud whose true nature remained unopened.

――What, after all, am I capable of, and what is expected of me?

「I...」

I take pride in having been blessed by birth, by family, and by talent.

And as someone granted that birth, pedigree, and talent, I felt a kind of duty that I must answer them with results befitting them.

And I was aware that that pride and sense of duty were fatally incompatible with what I desired.

「――――」

If I had to put it into words, among the seeds planted in this garden, I am the only immature seed that questions how it should bloom and remains a bud.

The other flowers, without doubt or hesitation, know and understand their own province and fulfill it.

And yet, I—,

「...Just what kind of flower are you going to bloom into?」

I posed that question to the bud and held my breath at the silence that could never have an answer. Wrapped in the sweet fragrance of the blossoms, I couldn't even come to an understanding with the bud I had felt a sense of kinship with.

Because what this presumptuous self desired was not to put forth a beautiful, vivid, grand blossom, but to become a thick, sturdy great tree that would protect those flowers from the wind and rain.

Yes—harboring an unattainable hope, I felt myself to be a vain, ludicrous existence—,

「Guh!?」

――In that instant, with an awfully unseemly scream, something came down from above into the garden where the buds were swaying.

「――っ」

My eyes widened at the suddenness of it, and I was rooted to the spot as if my feet had been sewn to the ground.

In my blank, white mind where thought had stalled, what resounded belatedly were the alarm bells warning of danger, and the various mindsets and drills for when faced with such a situation.

But before I could hurriedly haul any of that up from the back of my mind, the person who had almost fallen headfirst into the flowerbed before me sprang up,

「Bufh! Bafah! Ptoo, ptoo! Wh-what, dirt? Dirt!?」

Saying that, a boy with beautiful golden hair flying wild and jewel-like red eyes blinking, his whole body spectacularly caked in dirt, crawled out of the garden in a sorry scramble.

That was—,

「Oh, as expected of me... I thought falling headfirst onto the cobblestones would be the end of me, and yet I brushed aside even this predicament with my inborn good fortune...」

――That was my first memory of the last 『Lion King』.

△▼△▼△▼△

「――ah」

A rasping breath escaped me, and my consciousness awoke.

My five senses began to stir, and all kinds of information were sent one after another to my brain. ――In that instant, what appealed most strongly to my body and mind was an inescapable, ferocious thirst.

「――――」

Thirst—and not merely of the throat. Not enough. Not enough. Not enough. All throughout my body, in every last place, there wasn't enough water. I craved moisture, starved for hydration.

My nasal passages and throat, the path that air takes, were dry; the stomach lining for taking in food was dry; even when I blinked, my eyeballs were dry; the vessels that should have been carrying blood throughout my body were dry; my soul, crying out its lack, was dry.

Thirst. Thirst. Thirst was eating away at that life.

「――ae, ah」

My mouth was dry, and my numb tongue couldn't produce a proper sound.

Desperate to do something about this thirst, I tried to call out to someone. No voice came. It would be faster to move myself than to call. ――No, I didn’t even have that thought. Like a drowning person clinging to a would-be rescuer and dragging them under, my mind was parched and blank.

A body parched to the core, clamoring from the crown of its head to the tips of its toes, scrapes together the scant strength left in it and somehow tries to sit up. Sits up. Tries to stand. Stands. Tries to start walking. Starts walking. Tries to search. Searches.

「――ah」

Desperate. I was desperate.

With a mind ruled by thirst, I warn myself this is the last chance.

If my feet stop, if I happen to stumble, if even one thing goes wrong, I won't be able to do the same again. I won't be able to search. I won't be able to start walking. I won't be able to stand. I won't be able to sit up.

I'll sink into this boundless thirst and never, never, never――

「――――」

With every ounce of strength in my feeble body, I somehow push open the heavy door and step outside. Cursing the thirst that makes me feel I'd lose even to the faint draught that blows through, I let my gaze sweep around.

My vision is murky, hard to see. Narrow. I quickly realize it's because one eye is sealed shut. But before I can worry about clearing my sight, the wind carries a faint sweet fragrance to me.

Drawn by it, I tilt my head and find it――a vase holding yellow and pink flowers.

「――っ」

No time to think. I hurl myself at the vase as if collapsing.

I yank out the arranged flowers as if ripping them up, tilt the vase cradled in both hands, and then, like bathing in it, I drink, drink, drink the water set out for the flowers.

Spilled water trails from the corner of my mouth down my cheek, wets my nape, and soaks even my black nightclothes. I don't care. Coughing, I fling the vase away; the crack of shattering pottery rings out.

「cough, cough……」

I wipe my mouth roughly with the back of my hand and turn. Vases placed at even intervals along the corridor. With legs stronger than a moment ago, I go to them, toss out the flowers, and gulp the water. Discard the vase. On to the next.

Repeating that twice, three times, dousing my parched body with water and reclaiming myself from thirst, I head for the next vase――

「――You mustn't！」

With a sharp call, my wrist is seized, and I turn back.

The one who had grabbed my wrist――a white-haired old butler, eyes gone wide, holding me back――before I can pull from the depths of my thirst the memory of who he is, a viscous surge of passion wells up.

「Let go of me！」

With my right arm held, I swing my free left hand and strike his body with all my strength.

I didn't pull my punches――literally. A blow meant to shatter bone or rend flesh; yet the old butler casually parries it with his other hand, leaving us both unscathed.

I can tell there are all sorts of reasons――my condition, his skill, his experience――lying between us.――Even so, I don't stop.

「Let go! Let gooo! Let go……！」

With each word a blow, with each swing I recall how to swing, and the strikes grow sharper.

But no matter how razor-sharp my wind-cutting fingertips are, the old butler fends them off with ease. Little by little, the shivery chill of thirst presses in again, as if crawling up from my feet.

「Please, just let me go! My throat—I'm thirsty…… I'm so thirsty…… thirsty, thirsty, thirsty-thirsty-thirsty, I can't stand it……っ」

「Please calm yourself. I will prepare water at once. And you mustn't walk barefoot. We must tend to your injuries as well.」

「Water…… r-really? There's…… water……？」

「There is. At once. But before that, treatment.」

The desperate writhing of my body slackens bit by bit at the old butler's plea.

The thirst is still there. A thirst only a little better than the moment I awoke. If there's water to soothe it, I'm glad. It will save me. I'm grateful.

「Treatment……」

As my strength gradually drains away, that ill-fitting word makes my gaze drop.

Looking, I see red traces dotting the carpet laid along the corridor at the old butler's and my feet. They begin partway down the hall and end at the soles of my own feet――blood. I hadn't realized it, but I'd stepped on shards of the broken vases and stained the corridor with blood.

It wasn't only shards I'd trampled, but also the flowers I'd flung from the vases. The trampled, scattered petals mix with the spilled blood, sketching out a horribly filthy mottled pattern.

A horribly filthy mottled pattern.――In that instant, a baleful black mottled sigil flashed across my mind.

「――ah, aah, aaaaah！！」

My slender throat let out a scream, and I writhed.

Perhaps because I'd begun to calm down for a moment, my guard had dropped. His restraint loosened at my reaction; I flailed my freed arm, tore my wet nightclothes, and looked at my own body.

Bandages wrapped around me, and a haggard, colorless, pale skin――beneath those bandages, loathsome black markings cover me from head to toe, luridly cursing this body.

「No――, Felis！ Felis！！ Where！？ Where are you！？ 」

My very body itself feels irredeemably defiled, and a scream escapes me.

I don't want to tear off the bandages and see what's underneath. The ugly black markings hidden beneath—I don't want to harbor them in this body for even one second longer.

I don't want to look.

I don't want to touch it.

I don't want to be touched.

I don't want to be tainted.

I'd rather just die――,

「――Crusch-sama!」

My body—ugly and grotesque as it should have been—was caught and held from behind by slender arms.

It wasn't a restraining hold. They weren't trying to stop me with some martial technique. They simply, by sheer force, impulsively wrapped their arms around me from behind and hugged me.

If I had wanted to shake free, I could have. But not the slightest urge to do so arose.

I simply let myself be, as a faint blue light welled up and hazily enveloped my body.

「It's all right, I'm here. I'm properly right by your side, Crusch-sama……」

「Fe……lis……」

「Yes, yes. That's right. It's Felis.」

The arms around me tightened with a small squeeze, but I felt no pain or fear.

Before I knew it, I had collapsed there and sat down flat on the floor. Naturally, the one embracing me—Felis—had also slumped down with me in the corridor.

Tilting my head a little, his adorable face was so close I could feel his breath. His round eyes quivered with tears, and the way he desperately tried not to let his expression crumble was so brave and dear.

And naturally, the rejection of everything that had been surging through my whole body drew away.

「……But I'm scared. I'm still scared. My body is, with those black mottled markings, even now――」

「Crusch-sama, as for that, it's already――」

「――Oldman Wil」

Felis cut off the old butler, who had been about to say something, by calling him that. Meeting Felis's gaze, Wilhelm—yes, Wilhelm. Wilhelm. The old butler was Wilhelm, the 『Sword Demon』, an exceptional swordsman, a dependable man.

I was there between them, Wilhelm before me, Felis behind me, caught in between.

「I…I……」

「Please listen, Crusch-sama. There's no need to worry about your body.――Excuse me.」

「――ah」

Holding my shuddering body and soothing my unfocused gaze, Felis's hands slowly began to undo the bandages wrapped around me. At that gentle yet terrifying touch I caught my breath, and I could do nothing but watch as the bandages were gradually unwound.

From my neck to my chest, where I had torn it myself, the skin peeking through the frayed gap of my nightclothes was laid bare—and there, the markings I had feared were gone, and my eyes widened.

「Huh……」

「Not just here. Your arms, your shoulders, your legs…… the anomaly has been removed.」

As he spoke, Felis also undid the bandages at my shoulder, and I lifted my arm in a daze. What was there, though dry and rough in impression, was an arm from which every trace of those black mottled markings had vanished.

And only then did I finally realize――that agony, like having my body seared, like scalding, boiling water being poured through me from head to toe, had ceased at some point.

The thirst had been there. Even now, its remnants still lingered.

But that was the thirst of a body from which that agony had been lifted—the thirst that yearned for life.

「Felis…… was it you who lifted that curse? From my body……?」

「――――」

With a little room in my heart at last to reflect, my thoughts finally reached that point.

Staying beside me as I was consumed, morning and night, day after day, by that unending agony, Felis had bravely and earnestly done everything he could to heal it.

That wish had borne fruit, and he had rescued me from that prison of suffering――,

「――No, that's not it. I couldn't do anything.」

But that question and that expectation were denied by none other than Felis himself.

Shaking his head, those yellow eyes dyed in disappointment—deep disappointment and dejection with himself—he gently touched my arm from which the markings had vanished as I gasped, his lips trembling several times.

Hesitating to say what he must, deciding, hesitating again—repeating it over and over—at last making up his mind, Felis spoke.

It was――,

「To heal your body, Crusch-sama, I sought the cooperation of the 『Divine Dragon Church』.」

「……What?」

「A girl of the Church who calls herself a 『Saint』 lent us her strength. I couldn't save you, Crusch-sama.…… I'm truly sorry.」

Faced with Felis, eyes brimming with tears and voice trembling as he said that, I was struck speechless.

Slowly, the meaning of his words sank in as my mind, released from the pain and being freed from that intense thirst, began to understand.

The 『Divine Dragon Church』――it is an organization that deeply, deeply venerates the 『Divine Dragon』 that has long protected the Kingdom of Lugnica, and dedicates itself to maintaining the peace and tranquility of the Kingdom's citizens.

To prevent its activities from wielding too much influence, the 『Divine Dragon Church』 forbids itself from involvement in national politics; their creed is admirable and convincing, and yet ours is not a relationship in which we can blithely approve of them—because the being the 『Divine Dragon Church』 reveres above all and our own way of being are utterly irreconcilable.

「――The dragon――」

『Divine Dragon Church』 upholds and gives thanks for the covenant concluded between the Kingdom and the 『Divine Dragon』. —That is to say, it shares the Kingdom’s view that maintaining the covenant is the foremost priority for the Kingdom’s prosperity, and that the members of the royal family who were lost to an all-too merciless illness were to be treated as cogs for the sake of the covenant.

—The very outlook that processed the death of Fourier Lugunica as just an event.

「—!」

A shiver crawls over me as a formless emotion wells up and stabs my chest; nausea rises.

The thoughts, images, and feelings that surfaced in my head all ravage my five senses—light strikes my hearing, smells my sight, pain my taste, voices my touch, flavors my smell; things that should never be connected swarm me and beat me to a pulp.

—Why did that name come up?

—Why did that smile surface?

—Why did I hear his voice?

—Why could I sense that remembered face?

—Why do I remember the taste of the blood and tears that mourned that death?

—Why could Crusch Karsten remember Fourier Lugunica?

「—ah」

Something is coming back.

A sense of loss and a sense of duty, fondness and sorrow, anger and joy, warmth and cold—memories of that person who has gone forever, both the good and the bitter attachments, mixing and melting together.

Only, fatally, there is something I know.

「—Royal Selection」

At the sound that spilled from my trembling lips, Felis’s shoulders jolted, and I could tell that Wilhelm, whose face I could not see, also went rigid.

We are incompatible with the 『Divine Dragon Church』. Never, ever compatible.

We ourselves chose, decided, and declared that we could not match their stride, could not look upon the same thing together.

And yet, if we were saved by those whose power we must absolutely never borrow.

「Felis—」

「—Yes」

When I called his name, there was no tremor in Felis’s voice.

After a brief nod, his gaze was straight; though his expression was taut, he did not look away. Those yellow eyes said he had made his choice with full resolve, no matter what might be said.

「――――」

I have to say it.

I know the reason. Why he had to make that choice.

I know it was, above all, to save me.

How many agonizing days he spent, morning and night, at my side as I was eaten away day after day.

Unable to save what he wanted to save, how keenly he felt the powerlessness of those healing hands—I saw it up close, closest of anyone.

So I have to say it.

『I'm sorry to have made you worry. I understand how you feel.』

「――――」

So I have to say it.

『I forced you into a painful decision. But the responsibility for it is mine.』

「――――」

So I have to say it.

『Please don’t lament. Thanks to you, I can still be here like this.』

「――――」

I have to say it.

I have to say it. I have to say it. I have to say it. I have to say it. I have to say it. I have to say it I have to say it I have to say it I have to say it I have to say it I have to say it I have to say it I have to say it I have to say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it—,

「—Why?」

It spilled out as if I had stumbled. That was what came out.

It was utterly different in warmth and feel from the words I thought I had to say.

「You knew, didn’t you?」

Stop—stop right now. Shut your mouth, close your eyes, smother your awareness.

Don’t see what’s before you, or what happened, or the choice that was made—forget it all and turn your back on it.

「Felis, you of all people were supposed to be the same as me.」

I mustn’t say it. I mustn’t let him hear it. I mustn’t let it be known.

Because he tried to save. Because he offered up prayers. Because all he wished was to take away the suffering of the one he cherished.

So I mustn’t say it.

「—Why?」

I mustn’t.

「Why did you betray your oath to Prince Fourier?」

—That I would sooner have died than betray him.